Mundoblaineo Bulletin Number 6
February 10, 2002
My friend Chris Silvey casually mentioned on the phone that he had burned himself while “ear-candling”. Now, I had heard of this practice as a medieval curiosity, or as one of Beethoven’s desperate measures to save his hearing, but I had no idea it was a done thing in the states. Live and learn.
What it is, in case you don’t know, you stick a cone-shaped hollow candle in your ear and light it. The resulting convection performs a demonstration of thermodynamics, vaporizes all the gunge which has been collecting in your ears throughout your entire life and you can collect it in a bowl and take it home to show the kids.
Here are some FAQ’s about this subject.
The Six Most Frequently Asked Questions
About Ear Candling
1. What is Ear Candling?
Ear Candling is a natural and mildly erotic way to clean out accumulated wax and white, flaky fungus from the ears. The accumulations withdrawn from your ears may be many months or even years old and are so disgusting they make me want to blow chunks. Ear Candles are custom designed from natural fibers and tapered to precise specifications. New Elvis-shaped ear candles have recently become “all the rage” in Athens’ trendy Kolonaki district. The collected discharges are especially favored by Greek bakers, who make a delicious pudding from them. They are often used as a sauce for calamari on the island of Lesbos.
2. Does Ear Candling hurt?
Absolutely not! It is a painless, harmless and totally relaxing experience. If it weren’t for the intermittent crackling and hissing sounds the agonized shrieks and the smell of burning hair like a dog in a concentration camp oven– due to the burning of the wax and fungus being drawn up the chimney of the candle — you would never know that anything was happening in your ear. Many female ear candling therapists have recently taken to wearing black leather aprons and will perform other services, such as writing limericks on the client’s buttocks with a soldering iron if requested. Many patients like to have an ear candle inserted in their rectum and lit cigarettes in each ear, the new therapy called “butt candling” which is gaining favor in alternative healing circles.
3. How long does an Ear Candling session last?
About forty-five (45) minutes per session, however, you should allow one (1) hour for your appointment. There have been reports of marathon 30 day “ear candling raves” being held on the west coast by former fans of the rock group “The Grateful Dead” but San Francisco police chief A. Eichmann refused to comment when we contacted him. Schoolchildren in Butte Montana have been detained for suspicious wax traces on their clothing, alleged to derive from satanist ear candling sabbaths held in the mountains outside of that city but no charges were filed.
4. How often should I have Ear Candling done?
Initially, most people need just 2 or 3 candling sessions to get their ears clean. Often gangs of ear candlers in Los Angeles have been known to waylay victims and ear candle them at gun point, insisting that their clients return five or six times a day. Groups of homeless ear candle addicts “candling up” in vacant lots are becoming an all too frequent sight in American cities and President George Bush has recently announced a campaign to “Round up and hang these hairball slime” as part of his ongoing anti-terrorism measures. However, some people, may need up to eight (8) sessions over a six month period. Once your ears are clean, personal preference should determine how often you have your ears candled. Every three to six months would be practical.
5. Who can benefit from Ear Candling?
Ear candling can benefit almost everyone, from infants to adults. Primary monetary benefits have been substantial among bee keepers who supply the wax for the candles. Musicians can benefit – especially singers and horn blowers – who often have a lot more wax build up than other people. People who wear hearing aids can benefit. Also, those people who have had previous ear injuries, can benefit from ear candling as they tend to have a greater build up of wax and fungus.
6. Who should not have Ear Candling?
Ear Candling should not be done to people who have ear tubes, perforated ear drums, artificial ear drums, penis implants, breast-enhancement surgery, pierced eyelids or tattoos featuring disney characters.
And there you go. If you aren’t careful, I might turn this newsletter into a full-fledged online magazine. Provided, of course that there is an audience for a fairly geeky American muso with a hell of a lot of free time and a distorted view of his own importance in the scheme of things.
that’s it for now
your working boy signing out