Thursday, May 24, 2001
to: steven brown
re: a rogue’s life
been working like the big dog. they got me singin and dancin and doin all kindsa stuff including playing the git-tar. what a hoot to play that theme from “once upon a time in the west” with a blazing guitar, wearing a cowboy hat.
At this writing I am in a bit of a state. There is this Susi, who is 25 and is sweet, affectionate, sexy, can’t get enough of old guido for some reason. Steffi found out because I told her, unable to lie, or at least 100%.
To tell the truth, though it pains me, I wanted out of this thing with her. She was getting strange, I was getting stranger, there was a lonely and sad element there that began to increase as my time in Italy wore on. In the end, the sex which was a large part of my dickhead reason for getting so involved began to dry up and I began to feel very strange indeed.
The issues this raises are perplexing. Am I getting out because I am a regular dickhead man who loves ’em and leaves ’em, or is it just that not every relationship is the girl of my dreams and there is no reason beneficial to both parties to keep it going?
Big issues raised here, old bean. At the outside, I am learning something about how this “love thang” works. I am also learning that I don’t have the stuff to be a casanova. It is too damn hard to play three woman at the same time unless they are likewise unattached and “carefree”. There is a state of being and/or lifestyle known as “polyamorousness” or something like that. In this fairly sleazy approach, one is ever capable of having several partners, caring for them all, while avoiding the necessary deceptions, heartbreaks, all of that trash contingent upon quasi-monagomous attachments. If in the pursuit of this, I hurt others, I will pay the price. shit.
Confused, but still happy. susi is marvelous. Steffi is hurt. I feel bad, but I must be as true as I can be to myself without becoming an absolute cretin.
Tuxedomoon, no problem. Got lots of new ideas, new gear, performing onstage will be good for my work with youse dudes, no doubt. Have no fear.